Time Traveling

Today I was reading through the span of my last relationship in my journal. It was much more pleasant than I expected it to be. It answered questions that I didn't know I had, and reminded me of times good and bad that I'd forgotten. I found this entry I'm going to share and could only shake my head at myself. But as Jilly from Philly said, "Intution's something sweet. Lets you know what you know. Helps you find before you seek." I knew this was coming all along.

Anyway, here's 20 March 2011 from my journal:

He loves like he’s never has his heart broken. I want to ask him if he has. I wonder if he knows that pain. That dismay. I wonder if he knows how it can change a person. How it can all but break your entire being. I wonder if he knows how it forever changes your view of people. Your view of love. Your view of yourself. Does he know what those tears taste like? Bitter like fruit that is picked before it ripens. Frustrating like harvesting farmland that you’ve been slaving over for months a few weeks too early. Have you ever tasted a strawberry before it has reached its peak? It’s such a letdown. Too firm. Small, sometimes. Not nearly as sweet as expected. Does he know how relationships can be just as dissatisfying? Does he know how you can work at them and work at them and still watch them rot away from the inside out?

I’ve felt that pain. I’ve tasted those tears. I’ve experienced that disappointment more times than I’d like to admit. I just wonder if he has. God, I’d love to ask him. I need to know. I’d hate to be the one to show him.

Please God, don’t let me be the one to show him.

Sisterfriends and brothers ask me why I fight my emotions so much. I used to question it, too. It's because I'm always waiting for the bottom to fall out, and it always does. The ride was fun, though. I learned a lot. More about myself than I expected. But again, as Jill Scott so eloquently sang, "Here I am again, asking questions."

Moving on. Moving away. Moving up. Accepting. Rejecting. Detaching. Being light. Finding God in myself. Loving her fiercely. Loving everything and everyone all the time. Living the questions. Loving the questions. Living myself into the answers. Nuturing my roots. Keeping them well-fed. Spreading my wings. Going on new adventures. Learning. Praying.

This is a continuous, strenuous process. Tears are, and have been for quite some time, the water that sustains my most remarkable growth.